It has been a while since I sat down and pounded out my thoughts. To be truthful, I don't feel like I've been in a place to do so. Sometimes living consumes us so deeply that expression fades as we focus on just surviving. I feel like life has always been a struggle in one form or another. I guess that is one of the penalties for breathing.
Sometimes I don't have the words. Other times, I take longer to digest what's been said and feel the weight of it all. I find myself so lost in my own thoughts that the responses never come. I don't know why I've become this way.
I do know that it isn't my only struggle. I've been struggling with things that have never been an issue for me before. Sometimes I soak up grief like a sponge of remorse, and when I'm saturated, I fall apart. Life has felt more confusing, more complicated, and unsteady in so many ways.
If I had to describe my recent passage of time, I would say I've simply existed. That's not to say I've been without emotions. I've felt the entire rainbow of emotions deeply, but like a sailing ship with no wind, I've drifted along. No course to plot, no timeline. Just eat, sleep, and repeat.
I like to come here and express what I've lived and learned. I like to hit publish knowing I've potentially written something of value, even if it's only to one person. Today, I come with this: It's okay to not be okay. Sometimes we must endure periods of simply existing because they're part of life. Sadly, not every part of life is thrilling.
Some things of note have transpired.
The Monkey has reached the age of ten. While not exactly a surprise, as aging is a byproduct of the passing of time, it's still something to wrap my head around. She's growing up to be an impressive human being. One with compassion, understanding, and emotional intelligence beyond what I had at her age.
I'm six months and six days nicotine-free as of today. I'd wanted to quit for a while, but knowing it would save me $100 a month on the tobacco tax, along with quitting with Thor, finally made it worth doing. I had a hard time picturing myself without a vape. It was such a huge vice of mine. The brain fog, night sweats, and general pain of quitting are solid reminders that I need not pick up that habit again.
Annoyingly, Thor and I still have to complete a few coaching sessions with Quit for Life before our insurance plan will recognize us as non-tobacco users.
I have deeper thoughts that will be expressed, but not today.
Today is a check-in. Today is a sign that I'm still here.
I have a 100% survival rating for bad days, weeks, months, and years. I don't see those odds changing anytime soon.
This might not be my best blog post ever, but I did drop my A1C from 9.2 to 6.2, so I got that going for me.
Bishop :(:
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